In less than two weeks I leave for Puerto Rico to intern for the LDS Self-Reliance Center in Ponce. This is really the kind of opportunity I always dreamed about, but I still have a lot of underlying fear.
While this internship is only about three months long, I have not been emotionally stable or reliable the past year. I usually feel happy and upbeat for maybe up to a week, but then I fall. And I fall hard. Panic, fear, stress, and depression take over and cripple me. Over the past couple of years I have learned different coping methods and found people that I can rely upon during those down times. Unfortunately, those methods and people will not be readily available to me in Ponce and I do not have the resources nor time to go to a counselor while I am there. While talking the matter over with my husband, I have decided to write.
I think that this will be beneficial to me in many ways and I’ve decided to write some of those reasons down so that I can reflect back on them!
- Clear my mind. I sometimes get very overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings all at once. My head feels so full that it could be on the verge of imploding. Talking about everything that I am thinking usually helps, so I am hoping that writing it out will do just the same!
- Make things more manageable. Writing down lists has always helped me to organize my thoughts and tasks. By writing about it online I think I can create a reliable space for me to keep all of my lists so I can look back on them when I am struggling with those same topics.
- Understand what I am feeling. It is often difficult to describe or to even understand what I am feeling. I am hoping that as I write everything down I will be able to gain greater insight on what I am going through and what led me to that point.
- Understand what is reality. It is very easy for me to have a false sense of reality when I am panicking or feeling extremely depressed. By writing it out, I hope to be able to more easily discern what is true and important vs. superfluous anxiety.
- Release stress and pent up feelings. Sometimes the little things just add up! I want to just let go of all of those bad feelings and stresses that I face every day ASAP.
- Distract myself and stay busy. Being idle and feeling helpless in stressful situations sets me off so easily. Writing will give me something productive to turn to and keep myself busy.
- Track progress and recognize success! I have to keep track of things in order to recognize the progress I am having or the things that I need to improve on. I also want to be better about recognizing the good changes I make and I think that writing things out will help me to do that.
- Keep a personal record for the benefit of others. While I do not plan on having many other people read or benefit from my blogging, there is a small hope that it will help something or someone. I want to share what I write with my husband and family members. I am hoping that this will help them to understand my thoughts and potentially strengthen my relationships. I also want to keep a record for my future children in case they ever go through something like this or want to understand their mother more.
After pondering all of these reasons to start writing, I can feel nothing holding me back. I want to live the best life that I can live. I want to be happy and free to accomplish all of my goals and dreams. I know that life is a beautiful thing and I plan on magnifying that beauty through this endeavor for sanity!