I felt so good last week. For three days straight I was full of energy and feeling more positive than ever. I would go to work and school and then go home and do as much as I could. I painted, drew, planted, cleaned, shopped, cooked, and made lists. I felt like I had to take advantage of the good feelings I had.
While I didn’t feel 100% by the time the weekend came I was still very happy and grateful to have my aunt in town.
Unfortunately the day after she left I started to feel very poorly. All the bad thoughts and feelings I thought I was rid of came back and I felt crippled. I spent most of the day in bed and drifted into sleep more than a couple times. Eventually I got up, went to a few appointments and went right back to bed.
For me it is often unexpected when anxiety or feelings of depression overcome me. While in those down periods I feel like my world is going to end. My mental pain is so great that it feels like I may never get out of it. But the key word is “may.” I have to consciously tell myself over and over again that I will be relieved. In those moments my problems are not solved but I see a small light in the darkness.
That night I let all of my feelings out to my husband, took my medicine, prayed, took a shower, and by the next morning I felt my mind and body starting to relax. I went to school and then to work and by that evening I felt like myself again. I felt grateful. I felt excited to be alive.
While my down periods are so difficult, remembering how hard they are makes me feel like I am capable of anything. I want to do anything and everything I can to take advantage of the good mood that I am in. I plan my future with Sifa, look for jobs and apartments, write, develop new talents, cook, dance, and visit new places.
Difficult trials and mood swings are certainly not things that I love dealing with, but they are also things that enable me to feel alive and a part of something bigger. I am so grateful for all of the bad times, good times, weaknesses, and blessings that I have in my life.